Say ‘No’ to Your Child — When Necessary!

One of the well-known verses in the Bible addressing how a parent should grow their children is found in Proverbs 22:6, which tells us to…

Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it.

Training a child involves discipline. Discipline includes telling our children ‘NO’ when necessary. This does not harm a child, it develops a child’s character when said at the appropriate time.

If a parent is always telling their child yes to all his/her requests, this is not shaping a child. It means when they grow up and are told no to something they cannot have, they may do whatever they feel necessary to get it. This can be detrimental to the child and even to others around them. The child can become severely depressed as a result of not getting what he/she wants at that time. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist or trained psychologist to figure this out — just a loving parent.

It starts very simple, and many of us have seen this played out either by personal experience or watching it in a grocery store. You know… where a mother walks in with her young child and he sees something he likes and demands it. His mother tells him he cannot have it and he throws a tantrum — rolling on the floor and screaming on top of his lungs. (You know funny enough I’ve never seen a child do this with their dad).

So what do you do?

Give the child what he wants because you want to quiet him down and save yourself from the embarrassment. No! Surely not! Children will always test their parents to see how much they can get away with. You are the parent. You are in charge, not the other way around.

If you allow the child to get away with this the first time, he will know this is what it takes to get what he wants all the time. He will believe this is how he must always behave for you to give him what he wants. He will also realize this is how he can control you, that he rules you and not you him. Thus the worst thing you can do is give in to this kind of behavior.

So what do you do?

Many options… calmly tell the child no and then explain why he cannot have it. If he continues with this behavior after you have spoken to him— walk away. Now his focus on getting what he wants will be shifted to you leaving him. He will now be screaming and running after you. When he catches up tell him if he does that again you will leave the store. He will believe you because he just experienced it.

If speaking calmly doesn’t work, bring out your much sterner voice. Let the child see that you are not joking about the situation and that despite the tantrum you are not about to give in to his demand.

Children Cannot Always Have What They Want

Another option which many parents will agree with, while even more will disagree with — is to slap the child! Yes!
Slap him in his hands or on the buttocks! Let him see that you are not having this behavior. For those against slapping or spanking remember this command comes from The God who created that child, and what does He say?

“Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.” (Provrbs 22:15)

“Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.” (Prov 23:13-14)

When I witnessed this in a grocery store and the woman slapped the child on his arm people stopped to look at her disapprovingly. Her response to them was ‘Go ahead! Call the police. No one will tell me how to grow MY child!’. This was in Canada where even slapping a child is considered abuse and you can be held liable under the law. Now that child had something else to cry about as his mother grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the store. I suspect that child will never try that foolishness with his mother again. He may even have got another whopping when he got home.

Children need to learn that they cannot have everything they want, because no one can always get what they want in life.
Learning to handle disappointment appropriately from an early age is a part of training a child invaluable life skills that can help them build resilience, learn how to cope with the negatives that life is bound to throw at them, and help them to become more independent. Again, it is important to calmly explain to them the reason behind your decision, do not underestimate a child’s capacity to understand.

Saying No Sets Boundaries

Please note that I am in no way encouraging child abuse — in any way shape or form. I do, however, condone disciplining and training a child with the proper tools necessary to take them through life.

Every child needs boundaries that will shape their minds and give them resilience, strength, and problem-solving skills. How we train our young children will shape their personalities as they get into their teen and adult years. What they learn as children from us as guardians will determine who they become.

After saying no to a child, many parents sometimes feel a sense of guilt. This is especially true if the child refuses to speak to them shortly after and seems genuinely unhappy. Do not use this to change your mind on the matter and change your ‘no’ to a ‘yes’. Doing so would only help you ease your guilt, not the child. You would have deprived that child of a valuable lesson.  Parents also feel guilty if they have not been spending quality time with their child due to work or other daily activities and saying yes to whatever the child wants is their way of ‘making up’ for it. Others feel guilty because they feel saying no will make them not appear to be the ‘cool’ mom or dad that their child will boast to their friends about. This is not about us as parents, it is about what is best for our children.

Saying ‘Yes’ all the Time Spoils the Child

But saying yes to a child all the time is the easiest way any parent can spoil their child and make them into self-centered humans with the belief that the entire universe revolves around them. This is very bad for a child. Saying no helps to shape our children into independent beings willing to do things for themselves. Remember, as a parent, you will not always be around and they need skills to survive in this harsh world where mental institutions have doors wide open to receive them.

Saying No Builds Good Character

When you constantly say yes to your child, they do not grow to be resilient. They do not learn how to solve even simple issues that arise and do not learn to relate to their peers who many times are the ones saying no to them. This in turn results in them losing friends or having social anxieties because when their peers say no, they cannot relate and believe they are just being mean. This can cause a child to become depressed. It is very safe to say telling your child no builds good character.

Saying No Teaches Problem Solving

Imagine your child coming home from school with an assignment but telling you that they don’t want to do it and if you could do it for them. You tell yourself that the child must be exhausted from school and you tell him/her yes. You grab the book, do the assignment, and give it back to the child. The next day the child takes their homework to school and receives a great mark for it. Then they come again and again and say they have homework but could you do it, you think you are doing a good job of parenting so you again do this. And the cycle continues. This child will never learn to think for him/herself, never learn to solve simple problems, and will grow up not knowing responsibilities. Not only that, but they may feel others are entitled to do what they want. This is in no way good for the child. As a parent, you would have robbed the child of the importance of learning problem-solving.

The important thing is knowing when to say yes and when to say no. Children need balance to enjoy their lives and grow up as healthy, balanced, and responsible adults.